So this is my first blog. Ever. Not being one for social media, I’m kind of new at this sort of thing. I suppose if there is someone reading this I should start at the beginning.
I grew up in a sort of religion-neutral household. My mom was raised in religious void, due to my grandfather having had a negative experience with religion: being dragged to church by his recovered alcoholic, born again father. My dad, raised Catholic, only really practiced until a couple years before I was born, after that it was basically weddings and funerals. As a result my older sister was baptized, I wasn’t and neither of us really got into Christianity.
Growing up I had a deep appreciation for nature, spending any good weather outside in the yard, talking to the trees and plants, making “potions” and pretending to be an animal. When I wasn’t out in the yard I was in front of the television watching anything on nature, animals, archeology, anthropology, science, and of course He-man and Ninja Turtles. I always wanted to be a witch or apothecary; someone who knew magic and made potions.
As a teenager I became more interested in ancient and tribal religions, cultures and also immersed myself in fantasy novels, such as Lord of the Rings. One day my dad took me to a store that sold crystals and things. It was called Phoenix Books. I did not notice at the time that they mostly were an occult book store.
We moved so I could attend a better high school, and guess which book store was just a few blocks away?
I don’t even remember why I went there the first time, but I went with my boyfriend at the time, and met my future best friend there that first visit. He was already investigating Wicca, probably as a way to get away from his intensely Christian mother. Years later he would come out of the closet…but that’s another story.
I bought Scott Cunningham’s Crystal Gem and Metal Magic and instantly became infatuated with all things magical. I did not, however, go with Wicca as so many teenagers do, as all three of my closest friends did. I read about runes, crystals, herbs, voodoo, divination, Wicca, Asatru, shamanism, ceremonial magick, astral projection, Reiki, Kundalini, and anything else I could get my hands on. The internet was just becoming a real Thing and I started looking up info online, and printing it out by the ream (at school of all places).
I spent many an hour sitting at Phoenix; reading, looking at crystals, and chatting with the owners and other customers about spirituality, religion and magic. Those were good times; I still get all nostalgic whenever I smell Nag Champa.
Years passed, I moved away, Phoenix was sold to some low class people who ran it into the ground, and now it’s a Filipino grocery store or something. I was still interested in magic and the occult, and even started getting books from Amazon. Relationships waxed and waned, jobs came and went, I moved from my parent’s apartment to my boyfriends, to one with a roommate, and now finally living on my own. I’ve lost contact with the friends I used to talk to about spiritual things.
In all the time I had to read and research and talk to people I never really found a path that fit me. Gradually, over the past few years, a gnawing sense of disconnectedness and being lost has come over me. I see people of other religions content with their relationship with their God/Gods and I feel jealous.
In the past I called myself an agnostic, now I would conceptualize my belief system as “Polytheistic Animist”. Basically I am an animist, I consider it highly probable that all the Gods exist, in some way, probably as intelligent entities at a different “vibration” or “frequency” than us, and I also believe in reincarnation. I would like to have some direct experience of this, so lately my focus has swung to what is usually called “Shamanism”.
A few weeks ago I read the blog of a Kemetic here, and was really inspired by her relationship with her patron. I would like that, but have no idea how to go about it, having still not even been able to figure out my spirit guide.
I still feel lost, but more inspired to keep trying, to find that connection to the spirits, to the Divine. Perhaps this blog will help; at the very least it makes it easier to follow the blogs I have been so avidly reading.
So that’s my story, I hope you liked it.